I'm actually recycling this ... recipe ... from a previous incarnation.
Obviously I haven't done this one in over 5 years.
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As I'm planning to do away with part of MY traditional pudding recipe, I thought I'd pass it on for posterity. If you plan to use this recipe, you should start about a month in advance (I've given the timelines, don't panic).
So here's the traditional recipe.
About halfway through November, when you see the decorative lights going up on the houses along your street, suddenly realise it's getting close to Christmas. Vaguely recall a promise you made to your stepsister that you'd make the Christmas pudding.
Buy a paper.
Listen to the Christmas carols on the radio as you idly thumb through the paper.
See a house/unit for rent.
Go have a look at it, sign the papers.
Beg your boss for some leave. Get two weeks holidays, beginning the middle of November and ending the first of December. (This part is not compulsory.)
Relax, as that's plenty of time to move house. A whole two weeks.
Book your trip to Sydney for a week and a half, coming back the day before you're due back from holidays.
Relax some more, knowing that your first 1/2 a week of leave you can easily pack your house.
Realise that you're leaving for Sydney in an hours time, and forget about packing the house, you haven't even packed your suitcase. Throw some things into a suitcase, go visit your friends interstate.
Have fun with them for a week and a half. Fly back. Go to work.
Ring your removalist, who, for some reason, is the only programmed speed dial in your phone. Find out when he's available. Mid December? Great. That gives you almost two weeks to pack, and you're not doing any overtime at work, so you've plenty of time during the day to pack.
Realise it's the 10th of December, and your removalist is coming at 9.30 on Thursday the 12th. Have a look around your current unit. Calculate how many boxes you'll need. Count how many you still have left over from the last move. Subtract the ones that you still haven't unpacked from the last move. Realise you'll need about 20 more boxes - your supply seems to have evaporated over the year.
Go and start packing books into the boxes you have. (This is the only organised part of the moving process. You shouldn't be using a car during this time, public transport just adds to the fun. You know that your books are the heaviest thing you have, so your removalists should be lugging them around, not you.)
Wonder why you feel the need to keep at least 20 boxes of books. Ring your stepmother while packing, find out what she wants for Christmas. When she asks you what you want, answer "books". Hang up, go back to packing.
Finish packing your books, start on anything else that looks good. Go to work that night.
The day before the removalist arrives, go to your local store. Ask them for free boxes. End up buying two packs of archive boxes at a store miles away from your unit. Realise you can't get them on the bus, call a cab.
Go to your unit. Continue packing. Go to work, come home, have a coffee, pack for a little while longer, have a snooze for an hour, get up, do some more packing.
At 7:30 am find yourself chanting under your breath "Gettin' there, gettin' there" as you run around the house, frantically shoving things in boxes.
At 9:00 find your chant has changed to "Never say die, never say die" as you gulp down your last coffee whilst simultaneously packing your kettle, microwave, and anything else in the kitchen.
9:15 have the removalists arrive. Show them what they've got to move. Listen to the howls of protest. Watch them do their utmost to destroy anything that wasn't destroyed in the packing process.
After the removalists have left (around 3 pm), find the boxes of food that you asked them to put in the kitchen. Move them from underneath 8 boxes of books in the study to said kitchen. Find broken bottle of something smelly, throw it out.
Nap for 10 minutes, get up, have a shower, go to work.
Come home, push a path through boxes to your bed, collapse in exhaustion. Have a moment of lucidity where you remember you told your boss you could do some extra hours the next day. Get up again, set alarm for some godforsaken hour.
In the next three days, do extra hours at work, ponder your Christmas shopping, clean unit so you can have the inspection. On day of inspection, run around like a headless chook once more.
So by now you should be up to about 10 days before Christmas. Work is picking up, and you have to pay for that removalist somehow, so agree to do extra hours at work, ignoring the boxes that you trip over every morning on your way to the shower. Continue this through the Summer heatwave that has struck.
Realise it's the weekend before Christmas, and you haven't done any Christmas shopping. Once again, recall promise to stepsister to make pudding. Surf on the net for a pudding recipe. Then filter so it takes out all references to suet because you've got no clue what that's good for.
Filter it again so you no longer have the recipes that require "hanging the pudding for 4 weeks". Realise you haven't unpacked your printer, and buggered if you can find a pen.
Give up on finding a recipe, go to the newsagency. Buy the last magazine there with a Christmas pudding in it. Do that first, so you have the recipe to shop from.
Put magazine in trolley, trundle off to the grocery store. Now, this is the most important bit. REMEMBER THIS STEP! Buy 10 litres of long life milk, put them in the trolley. Add a few jars of coffee, and anything else that you require that's heavy. (So your fruit and veg won't end up squashed underneath heavy stuff.)
Right, now if you've done that step correctly, your magazine with recipe should be well and truly buried.
Ponder unpacking trolley to get to recipe. Look at crowds, decide against it. Try and remember what you put in the pudding last year, ignoring the fact you have a different recipe this year.
Go to nut shop. Charlesworth, by choice. Buy 500g of cashews, 200g of macadamias, 250g blanched almonds, 100g almond flakes, 500g pudding mix. Figure that looks pretty good, ponder what else to put in your pudding. Walk past alcohol shop, walk back, grab a bottle of port. Think about it for a moment, remember that this recipe said rum or brandy. Put bottle of port back, grab bottle of rum flavoured port. Also buy a six pack of cider for yourself to drink whilst cooking, because it's too hot to drink port. Look at your reasonably full trolley, head back into supermarket, buy all different kinds of mixed fruit.
Walk past bookshop. Applaud yourself for not going inside... Spot a book that looks just right for someone on your Christmas list. Get out your Christmas list... "right, Sheila wants eggcups... she can have a book. Dad wants a belt... here's a good book for him." End up doing 90% of your Christmas shopping there. Be very proud that you didn't buy a SINGLE book for yourself. Put a couple on layby, just in case you don't get them from someone else for Christmas.
By now your trolley is overflowing, as is your backpack, and you've got 2 bags of books in your hand. Give up on shopping, head towards the train station. Stop off at your coffee shop and get a take away cappucino. Wonder how on earth you're going to get all of this back to the train station with only one hand free. Have a slurp of coffee. When you're waiting for the pedestrian crossing, have another slurp of coffee. As the lights turn green for you to walk, realise you're standing in front of a chocolate shop. Duck in there, put your bags down, grab a box of chocolates for that person you know you're going to forget.. Go to pay, realise you're out of money. Go to autoteller, leaving bags & trolley in the shop. Come back, pay for chocolate, realise this hasn't helped you towards the hands free trolley pushing expedition.
Manage to get on the train somehow. Get off at your station, walk from train station to home in 37C heat. Remember now why you were going to get up early to do your shopping.
Unpack the fruit & nuts, and alcohol. Go to your box of food, look at the dried fruit you have in there left over from last year. Look at the expiry date, realise it's use by date was 6 months ago, idly wonder why you've kept it, put it back in box.
Put all the fruit (the new stuff, not the old stuff) and 3/4 of the nuts in a big mixing bowl. Pour in some rum AND port. Have a look. Pour in some more. Mix it all up. Munch on a few cashews whilst doing this. Leave to soak overnight.
Go have a look at the weather report. Find the day where it's going to be cooler weather, so you're not boiling yourself and the pudding at the same day. Decide to make it that day. Think about this a bit more, realise the day you've chosen as your perfect pudding day is 4 days after Christmas. Decide to make it the next day, even though it's going to be 40+.
Decide you'd be better off staying up all night to boil it, when it's only going to be 30C. Set the alarm to go off every hour to wake you up to add more water to the pot.
Get up on Christmas day, feeling more tired than if you'd had no sleep, wrap Christmas presents. Look at all the nicely wrapped presents, realise that whilst wrapping them all in one go is very logical in theory, putting tags on the presents as you wrapped them instead of doing that last might have been a better idea. Open all presents to see what's in them, as books all seem to look the same once their wrapped.
Run for the train! It's Christmas day!!!
